That was the Question my 5 year old son asked me one night while we were talking on the phone during his visit at his fathers house.  He was so upset and crying and asking for me to get him or let him come home... I explained that I can’t get him I have no car and daddy wants to see him and he'll have to stay with daddy... That if daddy said yes he could come back home and would bring him to me... yes I wanted him home... that I do love him very, very much and miss him and that he will be home soon that he just needs to visit daddy for a bit and he'll be home....

Ok so this took place over the weekend... Its Sunday, so I get my baby back at 5pm tonight.    I hate my ex husband!!!!!!! For no other reason but tormenting my son!!!

(this that you'll read next is long sorry and was written Saturday morning...8-14-10 )

I was talking to Connor last night. He wants to come home says he don’t like it at daddy’s.  He misses me and loves me wants to know if I can come get him. He tries to tell me to call all my friends, to use their car to get him. It’s sad because his daddy hears him, and dose nothing… keeps Connor from me. Its killing me yet its doing so much worse to Connor he isn’t going to want to see his dad and will make that call soon… I’d love for connor to wanna see his father and have a good time when he dose. But that’s not the case here and has been like that for 5 years. For 5 years connor hasn’t liked going to his dads. I don’t know why but that’s how it’s been.

Connor doesn’t just talk to me about theses things… He’s told his aunts and Cousin and uncle… His grandmother and my other friends… He told his pre school teacher…. Next its going to be his kindergarten teacher and then what will we both have cps at our doors and trying to take my baby because he don’t like his daddy?

Just lasts night with connor begging to come home for 2 hours… I can’t get him and court right now says dad gets him on the weekends.…

Connor is 5, he dose not understand. Connor asked if I loved him why I would make him go over there and not let him come home.

As I was talking to connor Michael has heard enough of connor asking that he come home and decided that Connors time on the phone was up. Last thing I heard connor say to me while crying his heart out was that he was sorry and hung up the phone… I called right back and Michael didn’t want connor talking to me again. But because he had too… gave connor the phone but then turned the radio up so loud it was hard for anyone in the car to carry on a conversation. Much less someone on the phone… Connor had asked his dad to please turn down the radio but his dad said no. Once home Connor had gone to his room to talk with me and after like 12 stories and a number of soft songs later I got connor to calm down and fall asleep on the phone.  Not once did I hear his dad come in to say good night or anything…. And of course he dose not wanna talk to me about connor he thinks what he’s doing is right. IT’S NOT OK!!  I had night mares’ last night bout Connor and I’m hoping that his dad isn’t a jerk and will have him call me soon so I know he’s ok.   It’s frightening because connor will say something about walking home to mommy and I’m afraid one day he just might try it to get out of his dads house… if anything happened to My Bear I don’t know what I would do…

I’ve also tried to talk to Michael about connor being on a real tight bed time for school and he doesn’t care…. I’ve been working with connor on going to bed at 9 so he can get up at 6:30 to be ready for school… Michael puts him down whenever he feels like it or if Connors acting up… As a father you need to have your son at home in bed by a cretin time just because you wanna be out doing things is not grounds for you to not give connor what he needs.   But then again Connor isn’t with him the school week why would it be his problem? He’s even said that he wouldn’t buy connor school clothes because he’s not there during that time like it’s not his place… Hell Michael doesn’t know much about connor at all…  He’s favorite color, how high he can count, the number of words connor can spell, the words he reads, the math he can do alone, his righting skills,  Connor is one smart cookie and Michael don’t seem to care. All he dose with connor is choirs from what I here and that’s out of his own mouth… Connor will be having to get up in the mornings about 6:30 to get to school on time and Michaels first words was you’ll be up before then feeding the chickens…. First he’s 5… Second… that’s not his responsibility… he doesn’t have a dog to clean up after… and they have like 7, and he don’t have chickens…  He needs to know 5 basic house rules to follow and to clean up after him self and help with maybe laundry at times… Keeping his room clean and helping set the table and such… not do his dads work… he shouldn’t be around Dog crap… It could make him ill… Michael Is following in his dads foot steps… his dad never wanted anything to do with him so this I guess is his was of saying something to his dad…. IDK… But to use your son to get an ok from your father isn’t right… He complained about hoe it was with his father and all and yet here he is…

I’ve got a story up about Connor when he was in wrestling…  During which connor said he was a looser….

Anyway you can read that yourself.

While I was talking to Michael about how he was with his son… Michael had said to me that when he thought his own dad was disappointed in him that would make him work harder to please his father…. BTW… Michael still is trying...  Connor isn’t like that though... Connor sees that disappointment and runs with it… he gets discouraged and all and doesn’t wanna try any more.

Sadly there are a number of different things I can mention ion here… many from the past and now and still to come… It’s sad really.

There had been a time before that when Michael was to have connor home at 5 instead of wither dropping him off before hand or leaving his father… to get connor home… he had me leave work to come get him.. From a park that I didn’t know even existed… Once I found the park… and found connor I was at the play ground with my son who was unsupervised for about 10 min before anyone knew I was there… if I had located Connors shoes any faster I could have walked off with connor and no one would have known…. AT a PARK!!!!  There was a good half a football field between him and Connor and he was down in this grass area playing football with his father not paying attention to Connor or his safety…

Another when its was like a 104 out side he comes in to drop connor off at work with me  and Connors got on a pair of pants a shirt and a sweater…. He was sweating up a storm…  I took both off quickly and had connor go into the cool of the studio… he was shirtless.

Michaels excuse… was that they had been at the beach… hate to tell you buddy but your in shorts and a tank top… and it takes 2 hours at least to get home… why didn’t to change him either before leaving or closer into town???

Once Michael left I had 2 employees for Wal-Mart come ask me what the hell Michael was thinking… That he should have never been it that… I said that’s the point He don’t think… At least not about his son…

Another… He ran my sons hand over in a shopping cart at Costco… I guess it was a good idea for him to allow connor to ride where you would put the dog food on a shopping cart and when connor had tried to get out it smashed his hand… He tore up his fingers and broke his middle finger…

When connor was little… Michael had told me he would find connor eating dishwashing tablets from under the sink… or he would sneak out back into the mess of crap that’s their… And thing could go wrong and he wouldn’t have known.

During his wrestling meet once connor had to get up at 5:30 to be a weigh ins by 6 and from that time on until I got there at about 10:30 11:00 Michael had not gave connor any food to eat...  And he expected connor to do well???   This was the same day as the other story… BTW connor ate 2 whole sandwiches minus the crust and had a whole bottle of water… I was with him…  My poor baby… Michael you should have not let that happen… this is why connor didn’t wanna do anything. He was sleeping and hungry and had no energy… Well Michael I wonder why…

It’s a sad fact that connor doesn’t want much to do with his dad… it’s been that way sense he was born… I don’t know why… I wish they had a good relationship but it looks as the more Michael tries to make connor like him the more it backfires.  As punishment connor had to stand with his arms up in the air until his dad feels its ok for him to put them down… and connor says it hurts… HELLO…. Do you like hurting your son??  It’s not the military… did your dad tell you this would work??

IDK… I feel bad for my little one… I hate to see him like this… I hate to see him not wanna spend time with his daddy. I never had my father around when I was growing up and thought that that’s not what I want for my son… but connor has chosen that for himself…  Michael has tried to befriend his son into wanting to spend time with him and so much more… nothing has worked… I don’t know why and I wish things were different and that he wanted to see his daddy like he want to see me…

Connor has asked why his daddy and I aren’t together… I tell him that because we fight too much and it’s not at good thing for us or him if we fight a lot. I think he wants his dad here so he can see him with out leaving me. Other wise what for… Connor was so little when we spilt that he has never known us to be together at all and if he did remember anything is that we fought a lot…  I don’t know… I left Michael years ago because of the things he was doing to me and such… Something a husband doesn’t do to a wife he loves…   Sad thing was I loved Michael it hurt that this happened. It should have never been like this. But you can’t change things…. You can’t change a person… We were together for years before connor was born. Where things changed I don’t know.  I wanna say it’s for the better but I guess we will never know.  It’s ok though… other than Connor being hurt by this being dragged to see dad when he don’t want to… Michael had married and has another boy… Funny… I like his wife and his other son is cute…

They don’t let connor do much with his brother… I don’t think Connor really gets a lot of it but he doesn’t like the baby much…

 I have connor involved in this pregnancy of mine Connor cant wait to see him…  He goes to the appointments with me and sees the baby on the TV and asked the doctor his questions. He kisses my tummy and he’s named the baby… He likes to help me put lotion on my belly because the baby likes it.  He asked if he could be with me when I have the baby… I said it would be fine. If the doctors said it’s ok and only if I have Torrie with him so if he has to leave because it gets to much then he could… He watches the baby stories with me too so he gets a feel for how things are and when we go for the tour of the hospital he’s wants to go to see where all the babies are and where mommy will be.

Ok so a little about me…

Its been Me My self and I who has cared for and bought and worked and paid for all of Connors living expenses for 5 years… I have been on AFDC before for a bout 2 years then I had the job that provided for me so I no longer needed it… things at times like with everyone had gotten hard and I had to as for help but I always made it…  I was off the assistance for years and last year in October had needed to again get back on to AFDC… I’m still getting the help from the state and I’m unable to work… so I’m about to start classes for computer work… yet even though it’s hard… I still have food and PGE and a roof of my own for my son…

I too had been a party girl so to speak for a short time… going out with the girls to the club and drinking… never once did I have my son at home when that was happening he was always at his dads.  So I knew he was being taken care of with his grandmother there. I stopped the whole club thing and drinking… and I never drank at my home with my son with me… It’s only lasted for about maybe a year’s time… if that long and I quickly realized that I can go have a good time and dance and enjoy my friends with out the drinking yet… I didn’t feel like doing that anymore… I was always one who liked to be out and about yet now… I’m glad to be home with my baby.

I’m not perfect by any means and dot try to be… I make mistakes too only they mostly seem to be in the area of men… I’m done with that… I don’t need a man for me and my kids don’t need one in the home either… Yes they have their fathers yet….

After Connors father and I had split… I got together with a Man I care for very much… we aren’t together any more but I still care a great deal for him… anyway and things were good for over a year… We then had our problems and separated… about 5 months later I found someone I began seeing and we got along great… connor liked him and such and it was good… we saw each other for about 6 months and yet again separated… we left on good terms though. We still talk and such it wasn’t bad.  Just after that my ex before and I stared talking again and wanted to see what we could do to make things work again. So se saw each other again… that was only for about 4-5 months and he didn’t think he had the same feelings for me so we ended it… I was hurt like crazy and had sent my son to my mothers because I couldn’t care for him in the state I was in… she then sent him to my ex’s… I’ll never for give her for that but what ever… I went on vacation to clear my head and get away for a while and when I came home excited to see my baby I was a lot better… I then got with Josh… who had at that time separated from his wife and he and I got together really fast… too fast really but it happened… he then cheated on me and I told him to leave… so now… He’s gone and I’m single with my amazing CONNOR and soon to have my second amazing little boy…  Everyone has been good to Connor though… if I thought for once that connor was in harms way with anyone I assure you he would have been gone quickly… My son is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!!!!!! He’s the reason I keep on going… if not for my children I’d hive no reason for living.

I realize that I’ve had a good handful of people in and out of my son’s life but one thing that has always been there was me. And connor knows it. Stability is what connor has always had here and will always have with his mommy. I’ve always and only tried to do the best by my son he is the most important person in my life…  I’m content being a single mother of 2. It’s hard as hell yet well worth it for my children. I’d love to have a father figure in my sons’ lives in the home with us but I know it’s not needed. They will do just fine with out one there. I’d love for them to have the time with their own daddies and want to see them and spend time with them… It would be AWESOME!!!  But that’s only going to happen if the children want it to be so and of the fathers want to play an important role in their son’s lives. I can’t make my children want to see their father or want to have anything to do with them. It’s not my call…  I do disagree with forcing the kids to see someone they don’t wanna see because it’s only going to hurt them more than its worth… and the kids will be old enough to choose weather or not they wanna see their dads and at that time… What will dad say when the answer is no????????????